Words Not Spoken
by sunshine1977
Summary: Nicholas Rush discovers Belle's diary aboard Destiny.


Rush squeezed his eyes tighter as the calculations slowly took form in his head. Numbers and signs that were once dissimulated now appeared to be joining together to form the much needed solution. His breath shallowed as his surroundings faded away, as they often did when he was on the verge of a great success.

_I wonder what she is doing now._

This single thought was equivalent to a stick of dynamite as the newly formed calculations disintegrated, leaving Rush stewing in his own anger. Bringing his right hand up to his eyes, he shook his head forcefully trying to get himself to refocus on the task at hand. Closing his eyes, Rush tried forcing the math to return, as Belle's blue eyes and smile flashed in his mind.

"Damnit!" Rush spat out as he ran his fingers through his hair. Standing up he kicked the chair back with the bottom of his foot. When did this happen? Where in the hell was his self-control? Looking at the clock he saw that the team was not due back for another four hours. She's going to be fine he kept thinking to himself. Hell he wasn't this nervous when he went out on his own first mission, so why in the hell was he getting so wound up over Belle being on her first. She wasn't his to worry about anyway. Yes she had spent a majority of her time with him over the last three months but she was his assistant. She spent most of her time transcribing and coding his work in silence, but there were times when Destiny allowed them to share a smile or small conversation between their work. "Get it together," Rush mumbled to himself as he slapped his own face determined to complete the work at hand. Still standing he closed his eyes. Once again blurry numbers and signs danced in his head. Slowly, slowly they started coming into focus. Instinctively Rush lifted his right hand as if he was writing the equations in the air. He could see it. His pulse raced, his blood pumping, Rush could see the perfectly formed solution in front of him. He snapped his eyes open, digging his hand into his pocket coming up with a pen. He fumbled around his pant pockets searching for his notebook but came up empty.

"Shit."

He spun around his eyes darting to the steel table where Belle often sat. He took four steps, and pushed a few written pages of his own previous work out of the way. His eyes spotted a blue notebook as his hand quickly grasped for it. Flinging the notebook open he placed his pen to paper as his hand started to make the first stroke, he stopped. His eyes scanned the familiar writing on the page.

_Will I ever stop feeling so afraid? I know I said I always wanted an adventure but I at least thought they would be on the ground. But I need to be brave. Do the brave thing and bravery will follow._

It was Belle's handwriting. He quickly paged through the notebook, as sentences, paragraphs, and doodles filled the pages. It was her journal. Her own personal journal. Rush gulped, licking his lips as he suddenly remembered to take a breath. These were her thoughts, her words, and her feelings. He felt a rushing desire to look at it. No. No he thought this is wrong. This is hers. He had no business looking at this. He snapped the notebook shut placing it on the table. He went to turn, but found the journal once again in his hands. Shaking his head in disbelief, he could have sworn he put it down. It wouldn't hurt just to look? Before he could give think of an answer, he flipped the journal open to a random page. His eyes immediately locked onto his name.

_I don't know what it is about Nick but he makes me feel safe here. I think I finally realized that he..._

Nick ran his finger over the end of the page. He had to turn the page to finish reading the rest of the sentence. His hand shook as he lifted the corner of the paper deciding whether or not to turn it. "No, no." He slammed the journal shut. He placed it on the table, putting both hands up in the air, as he slowly stepped away from the table. Within seconds he lunged back for the blue notebook as he fought himself to step back. It was in his hands, and then not in his hands. Just as he would start to open it, he would close it, bringing the small notebook up to his mouth biting on the cover, as the demons battled around in his head. Mustering as much will power as he could, Rush picked up the journal burying it under a mound of papers and other books on top of the desk. Walking back to the console he slumped into his chair, placing his head into the palms of his hands. Every ounce of him wanted to see her words. What did she think of him? He wanted to know everything that she was willing to write in that notebook. He never wanted anything as much as he wanted her words. He found himself glaring at the mound of papers and books on the table, knowing that underneath it all she was there. His beautiful assistant. The only person aboard this ship who's company he could tolerate. Tolerate? Who was he kidding? He desired it. She was kind, and warm, and her blue eyes were never far from his thoughts. He wanted her. He wanted Belle, and there was a part of her only a few feet away from him.

If he was a stronger man, a better man he would have left her journal alone on the table. But Nick was not that man. He sat almost perfectly still as he devoured her. His fingers caressed her words as softly as if he was touching her cheek. He read of her fears being aboard the ship, and her thoughts on Young, Brody, and Eli. She was funny at times, sad at times, but every time she was simply Belle. Every few pages he noticed little doodles and stick figures. She was not much of an artist, but he could make out what appeared to a some sort of spinning wheel, with a small stick figure sitting next to it. She drew hamburgers and ice cream cones. He never felt more connected to another on such a personal level, since his wife Gloria. There was an intimacy in seeing into one's mind, and more importantly into their heart. He read over her passages that pertained to him over and over again.

_I've started to realize how much I really like Nick. Everyone here is so hard on him, but if they would actually just listen to him they would realize that he's trying to do what's best for all of us._

Tears welled in Nick's eyes as he read other passages.

_Gods, how embarrassing. I wonder if he can tell. Of course he can't. If Nick only knew about the dreams that I have been having about him. I wonder what it really is like to kiss _him_. _

She dreamt of him. Not Brody, not Young, but of him. Of course he had his fair share of dreams involving her, but he never imagined that it was being reciprocated. He closed his eyes resting the back of his head against the chair drowning in the thoughts of what Belle's lips tasted of. The swish of the door knocked him back into reality as Eli walked in jabbering away. The notebook fumbled in his fingers as he tried to close it.

"Well that's a first, are you sleeping on the job?"

Giving Eli a death stare, Rush walked past him, placing the journal back on the table. "What do you want Eli?"

"They are due back in 15. I thought you might want to be there when she…" Eli stumbled over his words, "I mean they get back." Without a word Rush walked out of the room, heading to the gate. As he walked down the corridor with Eli trailing behind, Rush found his pace quicker as well as his own heartbeat. He must have been sitting there reading for hours and not even realized it. He was lost in her words, lost in her.

Rush was not sure what he would feel, but as he watched one after another walk through the gate, his pulse quickened when he saw her face. Happiness, relief, and warmth coursed through his veins. She was so breathtakingly beautiful. Much too beautiful to dream of him. Her eyes locked on his, and a small smile adorned her lips. Suddenly Nick felt as he had been punched repeatedly in the guts. Waves of guilt and regret pounded into his chest. Belle was full of trust and represented everything good in humanity, and he was the son of a bitch that invaded on her personal thoughts and space. He never felt more of a bastard than he did at that moment, with her eyes upon him. She started to walk towards him, and Nick could hear his heartbeat ringing in his ears. He needed words; he looked deep down trying to find any courage that he had.

"Back already?" His tone was way too high as he forced the only words he could think of from his mouth. Letting out a small chuckle Belle glanced at the floor and back up looking him square in the eyes. Nick could have spent an eternity just looking into her eyes, but for some reason he casted his stare down at the floor and everywhere else her eyes were not. Nick felt a hand smack his back and turned to see Brody.

"She did well today Nick."

Nick gave a quick glance towards Belle seeing a small blush on her cheeks. He turned his attention to Brody. "I'm sure she did." Nick replied with an unusual tenderness in his voice.

"Of course she did well." Nick rolled his eyes as Young's voice boomed into his ears. He turned seeing Young place his arm across Belle's shoulders. Nick wanted to break ever finger that touched her.

"I think you are giving me too much credit. I just did what I was told." Belle smiled her gaze looking at all three men, but settling upon Nick.

"Well that's the most important role any member of a team can do. Listen and do what they are told." Nick could taste the mockery and disdain in Young's words as he glared at him. Sensing the tension in the air, Belle excused herself saying she needed a shower and change of clothes as she gave a small wave towards Nick as she left. The moment she stepped out of the room, Nick turned his full attention back to Young.

"Did you make any stride on the problem we were experiencing earlier this morning?" Young's question snapped Nick back into the reality of Destiny. Shit. He had completely forgotten about the mathematical proof that he had been working on earlier that day.

"I'm working on it." He gritted out between his teeth.

"How much damn time do you need Nick? I swear I thought you worked better alone, but apparently you need more brain power than I thought to fix a problem. It seems you can't get anything done, if your assistant is gone for five hours."

" Fifteen minutes." Nick did not realize what he had said until the words had left his mouth.

"What?" Young questioned.

In almost a whisper Nick looked at the ground. "She was gone for five hours and fifteen minutes," Emphasizing the fifteen.

"Whatever! Just fix it." Young gave a side glance to Brody and then to Eli who now was standing near Rush. Nick looked up to see a goofy grin on Eli's face.

"Shut up." Nick snapped.

"I didn't say anything," Eli shrugged still with a smile on his face as he exchanged knowing glances with Brody.

"Bugger off." Nick turned on his heel and left the room, heading back to his console room to try to get back to work.

Nick sat alone at his console his pen moving at a rapid speed as he filled his new notebook with the formulas that he had abandoned earlier in the day. As much as he willed his eyes to stay focused on the task before him, he kept glancing behind towards the table, where Belle's journal laid beneath a stack of clutter. How could he have done that to her? Read her personal thoughts, know her most intimate details. He had no right. If he was half of the man she deserved he would have taken his time. Engaged her in conversations, earned her trust. Earned the right to get to know what was going on in her pretty little head. Guilt continued to feast upon his soul, when he heard the door swoop open, and her voice saying his name. Closing his eyes, Nick put the pen down swiveling in his chair to face her. There she was before him, newly showered and changed. God she was so pretty. His conscience scolded him that he had no right to even look at her. He found himself turning back around facing the console, trying to find something to do with his hands, to portray that his attention was needed elsewhere.

"I was just wondering if you needed anything from me before I went to get a bite to eat?"

"No. Nope I'm good Belle. I just need to input a few more things and will be done soon." He waited for her reply but heard a deafening silence. He wondered for a moment if she was still there or if she had already left the room. Not able to deny the temptation, he turned his head around to see if she was there. He saw her hovering around the table stacking papers, moving books around.

"I'm sorry Nick. I didn't mean to leave everything such a mess."

He put his hand up as if to protest. "With everything going on today, I didn't have time to notice a cluttered table." He lied through his teeth. "Just leave it Belle. It's fine. I promise. Leave it till morning." He turned back around his attention upon the cold metal console instead of the deliciously warm body that was behind him.

Maybe you should just tell her. He vetoed the thought before he could blink. She would never forgive his invasion of her privacy. Nick knew he couldn't continue on like this. He couldn't tell her what he had done, but he could not avoid her either. It was not fair to her to shut her out as he did most people aboard Destiny. If only there was a way to try and set things right, at least even out the playing field a bit more. It hit Rush like a lightning bolt. He whirled back around making eye contact with Belle for the first time since she stepped foot into the room. The papers on the table were folded into organized stacks, and his breath hitched for a moment, as he saw Belle holding three notebooks, her blue journal being one of them.

"Actually there is something you could do for me tomorrow Belle. I've been working on these logarithms for most of the day." He held up the small brown notepad that he had been writing in. "Tomorrow morning if you could transcribe them into the main database so that we can access it for future reference, I would greatly appreciate it." A small smile hit her lips.

"Of course Nick."

"I'll leave it on the table when I'm done," his hand gestured to the table between them.

He gave her a heartfelt smile as she turned walking out the door with the stack of notebooks, her journal being one of them, clutched near her chest. Picking the pen up, he opened his notebook. His smile widened with ever stroke of his pen against the paper.

Belle awoke the next morning feeling more refreshed than she had in a while. She was use to late nights, and staggered sleep patterns when working with Nick, so a full night sleep was a much needed relief coming back from her first team outing. Although the team mission was a success, Belle's heart was not as light hearted as she had hoped. Ever since she stepped foot back on Destiny she could not place her finger on it, but something had changed in the air between she and Nick. She had been so happy to see him. A part of her wanted to jump into his arms, kiss him, and tell him all about her experience on her first mission. But he seemed preoccupied whenever she tried to speak to him. He was busy, he was always busy, and anyone would be lucky to get even a quarter of his attention at a time, but for some reason Belle never felt that she was a bother to him before yesterday. She always thought of their relationship as different from everyone else. She had convinced herself that he even enjoyed her company, but maybe, maybe she was wrong. Her heart sunk as she thought of Nick working alone for most of the day as she was out with the team. Doubt and insecurity weighed Belle's thoughts.

He didn't seem to mind having her as his assistant over the last few months. Belle continued to worry as she showered and changed that morning. Did he think about her at all while she was gone that day? Would he be annoyed by her presence today after being without an assistant yesterday? She took more time than usual on her appearance that day. She laughed at herself for acting like a silly school girl who was trying to get a boy to notice her. Belle felt her stomach flutter as she approached their console room. Taking a deep breath, Belle walked in and felt her stomach fall as she saw the empty room before her. He wasn't there. She walked over to the table taking a seat placing her head down on the cool metal. After taking a moment of self-pity, Belle tilted her chin so her face was looking eye level with the table. Between the stacks of paper, she spotted Nick's notebook on the table. He wanted her to input it into the system first thing in the morning Belle remembered. Letting out a loud sigh she grabbed his notebook, and headed over to the console.

She opened the book taking a breath as she looked over the first page. Although she did not have a clue what all of the numbers and symbols meant, Belle knew that somewhere within them, Nick had probably saved everyone aboard Destiny from some sort of catastrophe or another. Her fingers hit the buttons as she inputted the numbers into the system, page after page. As Belle turned another page, her fingers froze.

Her breathing stopped as she stared down at the drawing before her on the page. She closed her eyes opening them again to make sure she was not imagining the hand drawn portrait of her. There was no denying that it was her on the page. Her hair drawn with loose curls spilling over her shoulder, and she was in awe over the detailed attention that had been given to her eyes and lips. Nick drew this? Under the portrait words were scattered around the page. Belle and Beautiful were the first two words to catch her eyes. 5 hours 15 minutes was written across the margin of the paper. Phrases of _I hope she is okay_, and _miss her_ scattered around the page. Belle felt tears welling up in her eyes. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

Nick kept his distance from Belle for most of the morning into early afternoon. He knew Destiny better than the back of his hand and was able to go undetected while still putting out one small fire after another. He never felt more vulnerable opening himself up to someone like that, but it was only fair for Belle to get to see what was in his mind and heart as well. It was later in the day when Nick found himself walking to the console room. His breathing increased as he neared the door. He did not know what to expect on the other side. Would she be happy? The door slid open as Rush walked in. Belle was sitting at the table her head buried in some paperwork. His eyes caught his brown notebook lying near the edge of the table before her. Shit he thought. She didn't even look at it yet. Maybe he should just snatch it now. Forget everything, and just try to go back to how it was before. She looked up at him her eyes as clear and shiny as he had ever seen them.

"There you are," she said with a smile as she stood from her chair.

Rush balled his hands into fists by his side trying to extinguish the nervous energy that suddenly surrounded him. "Here I am." What a stupid thing to say he thought, but it was too late now to think of some suave response. He walked over to his console, still standing as he picked up some papers trying to look occupied with anything else but her. He could feel her eyes upon him, but he didn't dare turn around. His mind raced with whether or not she had discovered the drawing that he left in the notebook. He never felt more exposed, more raw. His panic was interrupted when he heard her voice.

"Have you eaten yet?"

It was a familiar question that she had often asked him. It was not uncommon for Nick to go days without eating when he lost himself in work. That was until three months ago, when his assistant all but forced him to take at least one meal a day.

"Not yet." He closed his eyes his back still towards her. There was so much he wanted to say to her, but fear of her rejection kept the words from him.

"Well I haven't eaten either." Nick heard the softness in her voice turning around to see her clasping her hands nervously as she bit her bottom lip. "I could maybe scrounge something up for us. We could eat here, just the two of us."

Us. There was something so right hearing her refer to the two of them as an us. Casting fear aside Nick found himself taking the few steps closing the gap between himself and Belle. "I would like that. I would like that very much."

"Well I'm sure your starving." She said with a hint of amusement. "I'm sure you missed all of your meals yesterday, while I was gone."

"It's not the only thing I missed." Nick took her hand into his own slowly bringing it up to his mouth, placing a gentle kiss on her knuckle. Belle blushed as he gently let go of her hand. They could both feel the desire swirling around them. Although Belle had the most breathtaking eyes he had ever seen, he could not take his gaze away from her lips. He leaned in his lips barely touching hers when the crackling sound of his radio went off. They both stepped back as Eli's voice came through the static.

"Rush, you there?" Nick scowled at the radio taking it his hand. "Can you come up to the control room ? There's a problem with one of the internal programs?"

"I'll get us some food, while you deal with your next crisis?" Belle said smiling in a half question half statement response.

Not taking his stare from her eyes, Rush lifted the radio to his mouth, "You get ten minutes of my time."

"I'm not sure if it's a ten minute job there, Rush." Eli responded.

Belle raised her eyebrows at the small challenge that Eli had unknowingly given to Nick.

"Ten minutes," he gritted out. "No more." With a flip of a switch he turned the radio off. "I'll meet you back here in fifteen minutes?"

Smiling, Belle headed to the door turning before she left the room. "Fifteen minutes. It's a date then."

"Indeed it is," Nick's accent coated every syllable of his response.

Feeling his empty pockets Nick looked around the room for his pen when his attention zoned in on his notebook still sitting on the edge of the table. Opening it, he turned a few pages, and smiled as his fingertips stroked the perforated edges of where his drawing once was. She had obviously ripped it out of his notebook, and Nick wondered where she was keeping it. He would keep an eye out for it in her quarters, a place he planned on being tonight and every other night for as long as she would have him.


End file.
